A positive push

A week on since I went to the physio and I'm due back on Thursday. I am still getting a lot of pain in my shins so really need to concentrate on the exercises she gave me. To be honest, after I realised I couldn't do the run, I decided there wasn't any point in doing them. I'm missing running now though and really want to get back into it.

I think because I have felt such a lack of control over my life recently, I have decided to gain some back. So next week I'm doing something about my weight and therefore my self esteem. I was due to go out with the girls this Saturday just gone but declined on this occasion. The reason was because my lovely Step-Dad has been staying (and still is) so I felt it would be rude to leave for a night, but also, a big part of it was how I feel in my skin. I am totally not confident in myself and I've taken a hit since this leg issue. Also I felt I couldn't face anyone after cancelling my participation in the race as I feel guilt about it. I feel like I know I can't do it, but that people won't believe me and I feel I need to justify it which sounds like excuses to people. Does that make sense? So anyway, I've decided I need to take back control. I'm going back on the Cambridge Plan. I have had great results with it in the past. I lost and maintained the first round. The second time I done it, I had a consultant with no real interest in helping or advising. I really need that. I need the motivation and encouragement. I hope I have found the right person this time!

I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. I really want it. I want to feel better in myself and healthier. Wish me luck..or just send positive vibes. xx

It's been a while!

It's been a while since I last wrote and a lot has happened in between. Here is a list of runs I have done since my last post:

Date                             Distance                       Time


25/07/2015              Ran 7.03 km                   0:59:00

05/08/2015              Ran 4.68 km                   0:44:48

06/082015              Walk 7.00 km                  2:42:17

07/082015              Ran 5.06 km                    0:43:56

09/08/2015              Ran 5.06 km                   0:44:47

So when on my hols I ran pretty much every other day. This was a lovely run, right along the coast and up through the town and included up hills. I really enjoyed it. I got out really early in the morning before it got hot and more importantly, before it got crowded!

On the last run I have put above, my legs hurt during and worse afterwards. They hurt most of the day, even when walking. The following day I might have had a few twinges, but nothing too bad so when I woke up the next morning for my run, I didn't think about it until I started running. 10 metres down the road and my legs were killing. So much so that I had to walk back to the caravan. 

I was a bit concerned because I have had shin splints lots of times but these didn't feel like that could be the issue. However, I decided to rest them. 

So, I began my rest on 11th August. I got back off hols and still rested. However, still by week ending 23rd August my legs were still intermittently giving me pains and whilst just resting, walking, any time and no time specifically. At one point I woke up in the night and my right leg, (lower and to the left) was so sore that my pyjama bottoms hurt it if they brushed against it. So the other half rang up Bupa who we as a family have cover via his work, and after a triage call, they got me an appointment with a physiotherapist. So I went along there this Monday just gone and she prodded (which hurt), watched me run, looked at my gait,  my foot positioning, strength etc. She looked into my medical and family history and had a general of my legs and a chat. Oddly I seem to have a weaker right leg (pants at balancing, strength not good) and she felt scar tissue down the side that hurts.  My right foot has less mobility and my ankles seem to be weak. I asked her if I should do the Great North Run and she advised against due to the obvious leg pain and the very short time left to the race. So I suggested going for a trial run to test the legs. and then deciding from there. She agreed it was a sound plan and gave me exercise instructions for my legs. 

So, I went eagerly on my trial run and was buzzing when I got more than 10 metres. Even when my back started hurting I was not phased. I kept on. It was hard as I hadn't run for 2 weeks. Then at 1.8 km, my legs started hurting. I pushed on a bit further but gave up and walked back at around 2.4 km. Gutted. I made the decision that night that I couldn't take part in the run on 13th September. It was a hard decision and I feel really guilty about letting other people and myself down. I just can't risk further damage. Especially when we are as yet not certain what the issue is. 

That night my legs twinged a little but not too bad. The day after was worse, as was the day after that. I have another appointment with the physio next week and she said she may get me refered for x-rays to see if there is a stress fracture. We'll see what happens from there. 

So I am going to defer my place in the race till next year. I don't want to stop running because it has given me a new lease of life. I'm fitter than I have been in years. This time last year I couldn't run for a bus! 

So that's it. Bummer! But you know, it's not the end. Watch this space, I'll be back x

how low can you go?

Am feeling pretty low at the moment. Several reasons for it and more keep popping up and adding to it. I have an insect bit on my leg which is painful, and it's huge. About 3 inches x 3 inches. The bit itself is itchy and blistered. James reckons it's a spider bite. I've had it for about 4 days now.

The other thing is I've done something to my arm. The one with the metal plates in it. No idea what but it's so painful it's waking me up during the night. The last 2 nights I've been very close to going to the hospital to get it x-rayed. The trouble is, it's probably only a sprain so if I go to A&E they will think I'm wasting their time.

I've been feeling so poop with it all, I've not been on a run since the weekend and I really want to because I've got a route sorted.

So I'm feeling rough and today I'm feeling depressed. Mainly family oriented and to do with how little, people seem to give a poop. Already had my Christmas get together ideas shot down in a ball of flames. Doesn't help that then I look at lovely Mel's justgiving page which she set up a few weeks ago and she has got loads more raised than me in that short period and I have had mine set up for months. It's not a surprise but it still hurts that my family don't want to bother supporting me. They have not once said, 'good on you for trying to achieve a goal' or 'well done on that run, you did well' or liked a mapmyrun update on facebook, or looked at my blog or anything.

Not a good day today. I'm feeling sorry for myself, upset and angry. Hate days like these.

I have a plan, Stan.

I have a plan. I am going to up my distance by small amounts each run and at the same time think about my pace and stride. I was flying solo again today and noticed that I start off faster than I should.  So I get breathless really quick and can't regulate my breathing.  So I slowed my pace down, took longer strides and I could run further for longer without a break. 

I didn't listen to music because I am finding it is putting me off and I find it hard not to adjust my pace to the beat. I did have a tune in my head the entire way round though,  Let the River Run by Carly Simon.

Now its the summer holidays so my weekday morning runs are no more.  So I'm going to have to either do very early morning or after the hubby gets home from work.

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 6.29km, time: 52:35, pace: 8:22min/km, speed: 7.17km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/1079022773

Dizzy with a side of headaches

On Friday  I went for a solo run. Both my Tuesday and Wednesday runs had been cancelled due to waiting in for a mechanic and kids being ill so I really wanted to get a good one in.

Oh dear. Whatever I did before I ran, was not right.  I couldn't find get my breath, I was dizzy and had blinding headaches that I had to stop and not complete my circuit.  Very disappointed.

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 4.00km, time: 37:00, pace: 9:15min/km, speed: 6.49km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/1076597437

Sorry! Busy busy busy

Apologies for the delay in new posts. It seems that life has been mad. so, here is a catch up of my runs:

17/06/15 - 5.11 km
24/06/15 - 5.04 km
28/06/15 - 5.02 km (solo)
07/07/15 - 5.03 km

Going out on Sunday morning and hopefully will get a solo one in between now and then. Am going to start pushing the distance up each week. I've started incorporating some sprinting in to the runs, at the end. Also, I've been missing a trick. I usually start running, can't breath so take asthma pumps, then it takes a while for my chest to open up and I'm fine. However on the last run I took some ventolin before I started running and didn't get the usual problem.

Also, I've decided to do the Stockton River Rat Race next year. It's 10 km running, obstacles, swimming etc. m actually excited about it. Not terribly excited about the GNR though..

Not today thank-you!

No exercise for me today. The pollen count is high and boy I can really feel it. My asthma is really playing me up today. So a rest day for me. in the mean time, here's a very handsome man:

Being a Mum and having time for..well, this.

I just skimmed through an article on Women's Running Magazine about what morning runs are really like for mums and to be honest, I didn't see anything relevant in it. I have to run or exercise in the morning because my 4 year old is in nursery, mornings only, until September when Reception year begins and I gain some more of my day back for me.

So, this is my morning when I exercise. I get up, have to have at least 1 cup of tea to wake up and feel human. I get the kids fed, washed and dressed for school. I get myself into my work-out attire, get the kids into school at about 8.50 and get back to the house for about 9.10am. If all has gone ok in the morning and I have had time, I would have had breakfast, other wise I root round trying to find something high energy and low fat. I get my water, take asthma pumps and start my dvd. I am usually finished by 10.15, then I get an ice pack for 15 mins while i'm recovering. By 10.30 I'm rooting around for something to eat (pref healthy), then I'm in the shower and getting ready to pick my lad up for 11.20.

When I run, I drop the boys off at school, meet Mel outside the school and either run from there or drive elsewhere to run. I am concious of the fact that I have to be back by 11 at the latest so I can have 15 mins with an ice pack on my stupid back, then jump in the shower before I collect my son. It means that, unlike the 'Mom' in the article,  I can't get really long runs into my schedule during the week. This is why I've been running weekends.

I have a structured regime. I know how long I have to complete a task, how quick I can eat and how quick I can shower and dress. It's not relaxing, and if I have an injury I have to factor in time, and so decrease my time exercising/running, to compensate for this.

I am so grateful to get my child back at 11.20 that I really don't mind though. I grab him and hug him tight and feel tears in my eyes as I feel how much I've missed him in those short hours I've been away from him.

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my Mum's death. Sudden and unexpected. It makes me realise how uncertain every day is.

To my Mum, who I miss every day. An old old photo, but my Mum and I.

Shaun T Rocks!!

As I mentioned before I started Insanity on Monday and it's AWESOME!! It's so mad I was dripping with sweat! I'm really trying so I hope I see good results. Just got to get my eating on the straight and narrow now. Keep away from the bread Emma, keep away from the bread...

Slowly slowly catchy monkey

Love this. It's so me!

shared from The Running Bug.

Arrrggggghhh

Today is Sunday and while most sane people were sleeping or chilling in front of the telly in their jammies, nursing a cup of tea and/or hangover; I was at Wynyard woodland walkway aka Castle Eden walkway, attempting to commit hari kari.

Mel and I joined her slimming world members  for a run. They were doing 12 miles and we were attempting to keep them within our sights. A lovely group of people and utterly different to the last group I ran with, which is great.

I've been hating running recently.  I keep asking myself why I'm putting myself through this torture. At the moment that is what it feels like! Today was no different. We did a really good long run but at stages I felt ill, physically sick,  light headed,  tight chested and generally at deaths door. Burning tummy (hence the hari kari reference), chest which didn't open up when it usually does and leg ache. I kind of thought that I would feel better having gone back to meat, and while I suppose I must given the distance we covered,  I still felt just dreadful.

Bless Mel, she's such a trouper.  So positive and determined. I feel like a complete misery in comparison. 

Still,  14km. That is getting near Great North Run length. We just need to do it more than once a week, even if it's not that length each time. Tomorrow I'm starting the Insanity programme and there is a boot camp at the barrage on an evening I might go to. I really need to work my core.

My back started hurting towards the end of the run today. Toenails as well.  Need to get a bum bag!

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 14.46km, time: 02:19:00, pace: 9:37min/km, speed: 6.24km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/1017999335

Tired and stressed out

Mel and I ran the Tees barrage last week. It was really challenging.  Not because it's the Tees Barrage but because I was exhausted.  Nothing left bone dry tired. I've been so tired recently that I could sleep during the day. I think it is because I have been really bad with my diet. Too lethargic to cook anything decent so living off fried haloumi,  cheese pasties and tins of chickpea Dahl which has played havoc with my tummy. So, I decided to go back to eating meat. To up my protein and iron intake to give me some more support while I'm training.  So this run was hard and emotional and I changed my diet afterwards.

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 5.78km, time: 54:19, pace: 9:24min/km, speed: 6.39km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/1012057835

The River Tees and the Tees Barrage

Today we decided to change our view so we went over to the Tees Barrage and began our run from there. What a glorious day for it.  The sun is shining and the River Tees looked serene. We had a really nice run. My first time along the river walk. I didn't realise how many nature reserves sit alongside it. It's a haven for wildlife. We didn't spot the famous seal though!  There were lots of people out running, walking dogs, cycling and taking in the scenery. At the barrage there were a group of kayakers taking on the course. I hadn't realised how popular and used the Barrage and the Tees river way is. 

Mel took some photos when we got to Newport Bridge which I've nicked for the blog. She had been holding her phone though so they are a bit blurred from the sweat!  

Didn't do bad and hopefully we'll have another run on Sunday.

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 7.20km, time: 01:08:13, pace: 9:28min/km, speed: 6.33km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/992745419

Hard one today

Wow it felt like it was back to the beginning today. First run for 2 weeks due to my achy back and boy it was really difficult. Totally self inflicted of course. Since i hurt my back I've been on 'don't give a shit' mode. Eating crap, drinking crap, late nights and laziness. Last night I ate half a pack of cheese doritos and humus and had fried haloumi for dinner. Hold the salad. I also had a few glasses of wine which is silly because I don't sleep well if I drink.

So today I felt as though my legs were going to give in, my head was going to explode and I was only fit to drop. Still, a run is better than no run.

My back ached at first but was fine by the end. Eased up a bit I guess. Now I'm sitting with an ice pack on my back as instructed. Then off to shower.

We ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 5.08km, time: 46:46, pace: 9:12min/km, speed: 6.52km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/983027495

A short pause!

So last week we did 10KM. Amazing! So proud! 

This week however I've had to take a break. My back has been troublesome for years ever since I done it in trying to remove a tree stump from my garden. I didn't go to the doctors as I just thought I'd torn muscles, but I was laid up in bed for a week and had to use a stick to help me walk the few metres to the bathroom. 

So I've been having trouble recently, especially after a run, and my friend suggests a Sports Physiotherapist she uses for her dodgy back. I went to see him yesterday and he asked me a lot of questions, done some tests and it seems I may have slipped a disc all those years ago. Explains why ever since then I have had back issues, sciatica and tight muscles. 

After some vertebrae compressions and a deep tissue massage, which was uncomfortable to say the least, I went away with an exercise regime and feeling fab! 

Started to feel less fab the more the day went on and by evening I was relying on heat pads to ease my sore muscles. 

Today I am bruised and sore but hopeful that I will get back to running next week. In the meantime I'll be exercising gently and working on my core.

At least I have an answer now and can start to recover. I'm going back to see him in 4 weeks time. 

Mel, love her, made me up a soothing lavender oil to help ease my back. I have lovely friends!!

OMG!!!!!! 10km

How amazing do I feel right now? ?Pretty bloody amazing! I am so proud of what we have achieved today. 

We ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 10.13km, time: 01:31:59, pace: 9:05min/km, speed: 6.61km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/963150141

Had to have a celebration selfie with Mel.

GO US!

Feeling awesome!!

Amazing run with Mel this afternoon.  Really pushed ourselves. Room in a scenic route through lovely Hartburn. So proud of us!!

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 7.01km, time: 58:45, pace: 8:23min/km, speed: 7.16km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/959176089

Are you Bikini Ready? Well, I have one..

The latest round of body conscious/shaming adverts are here. 'Are you Beach Ready?'. Honestly? Yes. Physically I am totally beach ready. If 'Beach Ready' means:

'Do you own a bathing suit of some kind? Do you have a beach towel and some sun cream? Can you physically enter a beach? Do you have footwear to enable you to cope with the scalding hot sand? Are you able to find a lounger or lay your towel down on said beach? Could you swim or paddle if you so choose to?  All in front of strange or not so strange people!!?'..

then yes. I am 'Beach Ready'.

If you mean, am I mentally ready for the beach, then personally... probably not. I may have to fight some demons to get to that point. I may dare the beach if I have the good fortune to feel, at that moment in time, like I don't give a shit about what people think of me. If I feel strong and fit in myself, I may. If I feel that the guilt of denying my children the joy in swimming with me on our holidays is too much to handle, then yes, I probably, might, maybe, will.

So why do I not feel mentally ready? What has happened in my life to make me feel so body conscious?  Perhaps I am a bit accustomed to the world I live in considering a 'Beach Body' as one of a body size I will probably never achieve. It's pretty sad. If you are not a model size, does that mean that you can't be 'Beach Ready'? Is it such a disgusting idea to put a plus sized woman into a bathing suit? Will my half naked, plus sized body make members of the public spontaneously throw up as soon as my sandalled feet step onto the beach? Will the picnic lunch I dare to eat in public, fill my beach neighbours with such disgust that they feel the need to cast scornful looks my way, and whisper loudly to their friends about the audacity I have to eat at my size? Possibly. Should I care? Probably not.

It's the fashion world who are pushing the image that to be plus sized (over a size 14 to me and you), is to be lazy and disgusting and ashamed of your body. It's the same fashion world who a few years ago promoted the curvaceous figure as being the ideal body shape. How many actual human beings have the same body ideal though? Not as many as you think!

Plus sized models have a MASSIVE following. Personally, I love Tess Holliday. I envy her. She has self respect and beauty, and I wish that I had even half of her self confidence.

I have said from the beginning that this is not about the scales. It's about how fit I get and how I deal with family history.  I really wish I hadn't named this Full Fat to Full Fit. It sounds as though I have issues with the word 'Fat' and to be honest, I don't! It's not about Fat to Thin. I'm NEVER going to be thin again, and I wouldn't want to be. What I want, above all else, regardless of size and weight, is to feel confident. To feel good when I look in a mirror, and that perception is entirely personal.

For those of you also on your journey to self respect, I wish you, above all else, health and happiness xx

The Penguin Chronicles. Waddle on, Friends.

My lovely friend Stacey just introduced me to this amazing blogger. His name is John Bingham and he wrote a monthly column in Runner's World Magazine from 1996 to 2009. I feel such a connection, being a fellow waddler, plus he's so funny! I am sure many of you already know and love him but here is the link for those of you who don't. Waddle on my friends!

Hard run today. Phew!

Feeling amazing but tired! We tried a longer route round the back of Oxbridge,  looping back to Hartburn Lane. Mel made a great point today. When you consider what we were doing when we first started,  there is no reason we can't be ready for the big race in September.

I ran with MapMyRun! Distance: 5.86km, time: 52:06, pace: 8:54min/km, speed: 6.74km/h. http://mapmyrun.com/workout/953652743